Passive Suicide Attempt Examples

                                                                          Whatcha dune?

                Trying to think of ways I can commit suicide passively.

                                                                          Oh yeah?  Any good ones?

              Well, so far all I have is charter a Fung Wah bus or overeat.

                                                                    Hmm, so you've got a way's to go.

                          I know.  But it's kind of your fault.

                                                                                 What do you mean?

Well, you wanted to kill me so many times before you were gone, I feel like those might have been my best shot.

                                              I'm sorry.  But you weren't even suicidal back then.

                               Ummm.... So what's new with you?

Best Wishes, the Bronx

                                  So how have you been doing spiritually?

I think I can best answer that by opening my mouth and letting a sucking sound of vacuum come out of my mouth.

                             That doesn't sound good.

                                         It sucks.

                       It's the story of two five dollar bills.

                                          Huh?

                                         I'll explain.

Four years ago I was walking back from the grocery store, and a man in the parking lot dropped a five dollar bill out of his pocket.  Even though I was carrying 24 bottles of Poland Spring, I picked up the five dollar bill, ran after the man, and gave it back to him.  He thanked me and said, "There's not a lot of you left."

                                      Hmm

Four years later I was at the grocery store paying for my Gatorade at the self checkout, and I noticed that the girl who was there before me left her change in the machine, which was a five dollar bill.  My four bottles of Gatorade came to $4.94.

                      You used her five dollar bill to pay for your groceries.

                           There's not a lot of me left.

Suicide by Chocolate

             You should treat yourself to something nice.

                       What do you mean?

   We all need some pampering every now and then.  Like maybe a nice dessert?  Tiramisu?  Death by chocolate?  Suicide by chocolate?

       Yeah.  I bought you a bra the other day.  The mannequin looked like you.

                            Yikes.  Thanks.

                             Welcome.

                           Any new suicide attempts lately?

                  Nah, not really.  Nothing successful anyway.

                            Oh?

Well my first few suicide attempts were unsuccessful because I kept jumping in front of bridges and jumping off the train.

                            Oh!  Wow.  So close.

                           I know, right?  Just need some fine tuning.

Death Rehearsal

You ever think about remarrying?

Personally?

No, just as an abstract.

If I ever get married again I'll want to officiate my own wedding.

But would you officiate your own funeral?

I'm already working on that.

Hey!  I pay good money for this blog!

Is the Rent Cheaper in Connecticut?

                        Hey, whatcha dune?

              Oh, just trying to keep myself encouraged.  Just reading the news.

                       Oh yeah?  That's cool.  What's in the news?

                      Oh, just some horrible shooting in a school.

                             Oh really?  That's so sad.

                    I know.  Especially all the details they go into.

                           Really?

                     Yeah, like the teacher's last words were "Oh my God!"

                             Oh!  That's so horrible.

                  I know.  Doesn't she know you can't pray in public school.

                        I know.  What a terrible story.  That's so wrong.  

                 Seriously.  Well hopefully they'll make things better.

                                I hope and pray they do.  

                          Hey!  Try to show a little sensitivity!

                                    Sorry.