Suicide Date

                               I got a great girl for you.

                                    Oh... yeah?

     Yeah, she's two-thirds half asian, and one half Indo-European.  Very exotic.

                                Well I like mixed up women.

                                    Really?

                                  Yeah, my wife was both sides.

                              Both sides?

                 Yeah, she was suicidal but she often said she wanted to kill me.

                                Now that's exotic!

Opening the Junk Mail

                  "From Parkdale Memorial Park and Garden Mausoleums."

                         "Dear Friend,"

               "There are a number of questions every family must face,"

                      "One: Do I have life insurance?"

                         "Two" Do I have a living will?"

                        "Three: Have I purchased a family plot?"

"Four:  Has my spouse ruined my life by committing suicide and leaving me to pick up the pieces, only there aren't any pieces I can pick up because they're all made of human excrement, and my hands don't work anymore because my brain doesn't work, and I'm not motivated to do anything with my life, but I wish I were motivated enough to kill myself too,"

                          "Five:  Who will pay for all of this?"

                         Well, at least I know the answer to that last one.

                           I like the way it's addressed to "Mr. and Mrs."

                                I wish I were dead.

Hole for the homey days

                     I draw great comfort from your suicide.

                    It's always there for me to go back to.

                    Anytime I need an excuse I can blame it on your suicide.

Anytime I make a mistake, give up, act strange, fail, whatever: I can always bring up your suicide.

                 Whenever I'm unemployed, can't function in a relationship,

                     Whenever I'm suicidal, you were suicidal first.

                      So I've got that going for me, which is nice.

                    Do you still keep in touch with any of your ex-girlfriends?

                                         Just the dead ones.

Virtually Scarless

                            (Sigh)

                              What's the matter?

                          We're gonna be late again, aren't we?

                              Well, I can't decide what to wear.

                                   Hmm...

                            Hanging neck line or plunging bridge jump?

                                  You look good in both.

Meet the Victims

Yeah, so basically my wife committed suicide, and now I'm an exterminator instead of what I used to be.

             Is that why you became an exterminator, because of your wife's suicide.

              Well, not by design, just in a round about sort of way.

                      Oh, I thought maybe you felt the need to go out and kill.

Exactly Where I'm At

                        Sorry that I missed your birthday.

                               The car wasn't working for a while.

                             I didn't expect to cry this hard this time.

                                  I don't feel well.

                             I don't know anything anymore.

                                    I think I'm dead too.

                    The ground is so hard and cold over you.  I could never get to you.

                                  Don't be sad.  It's okay.