Fun with tourists in NYC

                 Excuse me please, could you tell me where is the bathroom?

       Sure, but let me ask you first, are we talking number one or number two?

                                               ...

No, no, no, it's okay, the reason I ask is because there's a couple different kinds of restrooms around here; the right tool for the right job kind of thing.  So is it number one or number two?

Uhh, I am most uncomfortable talking like this.  Can you please just tell me where is the restroom?

Right, yes, that's what I'm doing, but it depends on if you're going number one or number two...

                         Oh, all right, fine, I need to go number two.

             Me too!  That's where I'm headed now.  C'mon we can go together.
            What's your name?

Suicide Balm

         So what's one of the new trends coming out of the Bronx these days?

                           Oh, I don't know.  Does brutality count as one?

                    A lot of people are trying bridge-jumping in Manhattan.

                                     Bridge-jumping?

              Yeah, it's like rock climbing, except you don't climb, you jump.

                         And the rocks are at the bottom.

                         Sounds about as fun as rock climbing.

                     Yeah.  I think it has a more satisfying ending though.

                          And a lot of people are still into track.

                             Heroin?

                        No.  Track.  Like train tracks.

                           Are you talking about the finish line?     (hint)

                                        No, subway tracks.

                            Oh!  Well that's been around for ever.

                             Well so have bridges.

                                      Well so have rocks.

                        Yeah but rocks aren't a trend in Manhattan.

                                                  ...

                                              ...

                                           ...

                               At least not till you get to the bottom.

Let Us Cater Your Next Suicide

                      You know, I've been reading your blog.

                                      Yeah?

                                   Yeah.  And it got me thinking...

                                        Anything good?

                                   No, of course not.  In fact,

                       I don't think suicide is something you should joke about.

                                 I think it's something you should do.

The Routine

                                  Good morning (pet name)!

                                                  ...

                                            How are you today?

                                         ...

                                   I'm overwhelmed.

                        Do you want to go do something fun today?

                           I just wish I were dead.

                              I made some breakfast.

                                 I hate you.

                                 Do you wanna go see a movie?

                                   I want to kill myself.

                          We can go see one of our friends.

                                We don't have any friends.

           Do you want to just watch some tv?  Or I can read to you....

                   I feel trapped.  I wish I were dead.  I wish I were dead.

                                      ....

                                    We haven't had sex in forever.