Suicide Surveillance

Are you still checking my email account?

Yeah.. from time to time.

Why?

Just to see if anybody writes you.

Does anyone?

No, but sometimes there will be some good spam, like from one of the places you used to order clothes from or something.

You mean like coupons?

Yeah.  It's cool to get them still.  Reminds me.

Reminds you of me?

Reminds me of how good it is to be out of credit card debt.

That's not funny.

Tell me.

Undateables

Catchit - 40something, biovocational, living in the Bronx

Ratchet - 40something, unemployed, laid to rest in Westchester County

Why Catchit is single - battling complicated grief, works too much, sometimes isn't in the mood to date

Why Ratchet is single - committed suicide several years ago, thinks a lot of men are jackasses

Catchit's ideal date - h'orderves at a funeral home, long walk through the cemetery, and then some fast food in the car

Ratchet's ideal date - an evening spent in dead silence, maybe some flowers or rain

First impression:

Catchit: "I was a little nervous dating someone who was already dead, but I felt like maybe she would inspire me to live my dream of dying.  She was wearing a nice patch of green grass, which is my favorite color."

Ratchet: "I thought he seemed a little nervous because he was so chatty, but that might have been because I was too dead to talk.  He had brown eyes I think."

Chemistry:

Catchit:  "The longer the evening went on the more I really was into her.  She was quiet, but a super good listener.  She let me order dinner and everything."

Ratchet:  "He didn't even give me a chance to look at the menu, but rather just ordered for us.  I didn't mind though because I like guys who seem alive like that.  Every time it would get quiet he would sharpen his pencil."

Awkward Moment:

Catchit:  "About halfway through dinner I had to go to the bathroom, which is really difficult to do in a cemetery.  But she was waiting for me after I came back from the bushes.  I hope she wasn't texting someone else while I was gone."

Ratchet:  "I had some bird droppings on my headstone, but I don't think he noticed.  Also he ordered coconut shrimp for us as an appetizer but I'm allergic to mollusks."

Afterward:

Catchit:  "I reached over to give her a kiss goodnight but she was very unresponsive.  I think she had a good time but I was having trouble reading any body language.  I wanted to stay longer but security kept driving passed and it was getting dark."

Ratchet:  "He kept asking me if a I needed a ride home, but of course I didn't.  He made some more small talk but by this point I was just preparing to be alone for a while."

Verdict:

Catchit:  4/5 stars.  "She was great, exactly the type I'm into.  I've texted her a few times since then but she's probably working or something.  She didn't really seem like the clubbing type, but I'm gonna go for it and ask her to this warehouse party coming up down in Brooklyn."

Ratchet:  2/5.  "Oh he was nice enough, but I could tell we weren't really going to go any where.  Nothing he said moved me.  It wasn't a terrible time, but I've overheard better visitors over the last few years.  He wasn't a complete jackass at least."

Want to date one of our undateables?  Leave a comment in the comments section.