Condolences Tree

                 Hey, haven't talked to you in a while!  How's your mom doing?

                                 Still dead...

                                    ...

                            Sorry, I've been waiting to say that to someone.

                    Yeah, that's not messed up or anything.

Condolences Too

                            I'm sorry to hear about your wife.

                                        Thank you.

     No, I'm mean I'm sorry to have heard.  Why'd you have to tell me?  So depressing.

The Usual

                              I'm crying.

                                           I'm trying.

                                         Hi guys.

                                           Oh hi!!!

                                               Oh..... hello...

                                        Is this a bad time?

                                               No!

                                    Yeah, can you come back later.

                                          Sure.

                      Listen, don't listen to him.  If you leave I'm leaving.

                                        Tickets please ... tickets ...

                                         Oh, um...

                             Have you guys both had your tickets punched?

                                             I have an idea.

                                              What's that?

                     Why don't you try to get a job in the field of suicide prevention?

                                           Huh?

         You know, become a counselor to help those who are thinking of doing it.

                                  Can I use my wife as a reference?

Memory Lame

                                  Fond memories are the faint ones.

                            Bad memories are the bright, clear, vivid ones.

What do you mean I don't suck?

                                   Tickets please.  Tickets.

                    Don't you get depressed standing in this dark elevator all day?

                                Well... this elevator isn't why I'm depressed.

                                     But it is why I'm down.

Soda Pressed

                                         I'm so depressed.

                         Step one: the person commits suicide

                        Step two: you google them.

                                      I'm thirsty.

When Ratchet Howls

                 Sorry to keep you waiting.  I really want you to meet my wife.

                                      It's okay.

                                      She's always running late.

                              I wish you could meet my late wife too.

                                              Huh?

Contagion, Unrated

                                  Life with you is so hard.

                               Life without you is so hard.

I'm craving Butterfinger BB's

                                I just want to crawl into bed and die.

                                      Like a bedbug!

                                    Uhhh

                         Okay, we're all gonna kill ourselves on three, ready?

                                     Wait... I have a question.

                                         What?

                             Are we counting up to three or down to three?

   What do you mean down to three, nobody counts down to three.  Why stop at three?

                                So we're stopping?  or we're starting?

                         Quiet you!  We're counting down from three to one.

                    So why not say we're all gonna kill ourselves on one?

                                   Because you start on one!

                                So we do count down to three!

                               No...  Okay, I guess we count up to three!

                                     From zero or from one?