Pastor Commits Suicide in the Pulpit

                         Do you think God gets depressed?

                               He made you didn't He?

Fomb Dropper

What's the difference between a pregnant lady and a light bulb?

A lightbulb can't commit suicide.

What's the difference between a shark and a lawyer?

 A shark can't commit suicide.

What's the difference between Hellen Keller and an incarcerated Chinaman?

Helen Keller can't commit suicide.

So you've heard these all before?

Tell me about it.

Dead Certified Clothing

Hey, that's some outfit you're wearing!

Thanks, it's dead certified.

Dead certified?

Yeah, Dead Certified Clothing, the DCC lifestyle.

What's that about?

It's all the rage.  You can buy pre-owned clothing that has been certified to have been worn by a person who is now dead. 

Wow!  Does it cost extra?

Of course it costs extra!  Especially if you want the death I want, which is self-inflicted gunshot wound blouse.

Damn!  That's some serious fashion!

It's the only way to get that shoulder tone that I'm feeling!  You feel me?

Word!  Do they have sweat pants from asphyxiation?

You mean the brown round?  Of course they got 'em, but they move fast.

Yo I'm gonna jump on that hard!

Fool!  I wouldn't be caught dead in that shizit nizzle flamblam fookie shap!

Look behind you.

Up Here I'm Dying

If you carve a potato into the shape of a penis you end up with a dictator.

Thanks for waiting until I was dead to start your stand up.... career.

Begin to Dead End

I want you to count down from one hundred.

100, 99

Slowly

100.... 99....

Breathe deeply

(breathing)

Now tell me,

98

Inside you

97

What do you see?

May 12

Don't skip any numbers.

96

Keep breathing

95

Find the light

94

What do you see?

May 12

Stop skipping ahead

93

Try to relax

92

Feel the air inside you.

91

Compose a poem where everything rhymes with your pain.

90

What's the first line?

May 12

No, no, no, we need to follow the sequence.

89

That's right

88

Keep going

87

That's right

86

Good

85

Follow the bread crumbs into the oven of your sorrows

84

Smell the yeast rise into the emotional scarring of your crust

83

Spread the preserves of suffering onto the toasted muffin of regret

82

Bite it

81

Taste it

80

Where does the flavor take you?

May 12

Seriously, I know it's difficult, but you can do this.  Stick to the sequence please

79

Very good

78

Even better

77

Think of your pain, your suffering

76

Feel the sorrow and the emptiness

75

Embrace the absurdity and the pointlessness of your life

74

Where does it come from?  Where does your pain begin?

73

That's right!