Suicide Balm

         So what's one of the new trends coming out of the Bronx these days?

                           Oh, I don't know.  Does brutality count as one?

                    A lot of people are trying bridge-jumping in Manhattan.

                                     Bridge-jumping?

              Yeah, it's like rock climbing, except you don't climb, you jump.

                         And the rocks are at the bottom.

                         Sounds about as fun as rock climbing.

                     Yeah.  I think it has a more satisfying ending though.

                          And a lot of people are still into track.

                             Heroin?

                        No.  Track.  Like train tracks.

                           Are you talking about the finish line?     (hint)

                                        No, subway tracks.

                            Oh!  Well that's been around for ever.

                             Well so have bridges.

                                      Well so have rocks.

                        Yeah but rocks aren't a trend in Manhattan.

                                                  ...

                                              ...

                                           ...

                               At least not till you get to the bottom.

Let Us Cater Your Next Suicide

                      You know, I've been reading your blog.

                                      Yeah?

                                   Yeah.  And it got me thinking...

                                        Anything good?

                                   No, of course not.  In fact,

                       I don't think suicide is something you should joke about.

                                 I think it's something you should do.

The Routine

                                  Good morning (pet name)!

                                                  ...

                                            How are you today?

                                         ...

                                   I'm overwhelmed.

                        Do you want to go do something fun today?

                           I just wish I were dead.

                              I made some breakfast.

                                 I hate you.

                                 Do you wanna go see a movie?

                                   I want to kill myself.

                          We can go see one of our friends.

                                We don't have any friends.

           Do you want to just watch some tv?  Or I can read to you....

                   I feel trapped.  I wish I were dead.  I wish I were dead.

                                      ....

                                    We haven't had sex in forever.

Suicide Boutique of Soho

                                        A very costly place to shop, 

                                               even just to browse.

Take the douche bag test

                 Hey, do want to take the douche bag test?

                               I guess so.

                     Ok, first let me ask you, are you on Facebook?

                                 Yeah...

                           Ok.  Thanks for taking the test.

Bronx Shaken Shack

                              Well, it's been a nice evening.

                               You did this to me.

                                      I had a lot of fun.

                          What about me?

                                 Thanks for the fun night.

                                 You did this to me.

                                      No, nothing's the matter.

                                It's all your fault.

                              I guess I just haven't been dating much.

                                      You could have saved me.

                                 But I sure hope I can see you again.

                                    Oh, you'll be seeing me again.