New York Jets Fan Commits Suicide

           What do you call a hopeless, depressed, suicidal Jets fan?

I don't know, what do you call a hopeless, depressed, suicidal Jets fan?

                              A Jets fan.

I'm Having Difficulty Processing This

Hey, could you get me the food processor?  It's on the top shelf and I can't reach it.

Oh... I'm sorry.  I gave it away.  I didn't think we needed it anymore.

What am I supposed to do with these walnuts then?  Just beat them with a hammer?

But you hate brownies with nuts.  We both do.  Why are we having this conversation?

You're the one who is always lamenting about losing memories

Because so many of my memories are nuts.

Ho Ho Hopeless

                                               Hi.

                                                   What's up with the beard?

                                              This Christmas I'm committing Santacide.

                              Happy Holidays from Ratchet and Catchit.

You Can't Have Suicide without U and I

                              I am so depressed.  I wish I were dead.

                      I'm praying for you.  You should pray about it too.

                              Dear God.... please kill me.

Electric Boogie

Yeah, so my wife was on life support for five days, and I ended up having to pull the plug on her.

Wow, that must have so tough.

Well, it's actually more of a switch nowadays rather than an actual plug.

...

So it's not that tough.

Twenty Two Skidoo

Hi.

Oh... Hello.

What's your name?

I'm Ratchet.

You're meeting me twenty-two years ago today.

And twenty-two years later you're still going to be grappling with the impact I will have on your life.
Your struggle with my struggle will never leave you.

I will haunt your very soul forever.

You will carry a crisis of faith and identity that will prove to be your constant adversary through all you attempt to accomplish in this life.

You will question the goodness of God repeatedly because of your having met me and gotten involved with my life.

You will try to save me and fail, and your failure will seek to drown you within your own mind.

Your pain will be unbearable.

Your self will subdivide into the before, the void, the hereafter, and two present "nows".

You will mourn me forever, and you will wish you could have killed me before we ever met.

You will pour out your soul to the divine and beg for help, and find that your cries for reprieve fall to the floor in vanity.

You have forever changed your destiny, simply by walking up to me and saying hi.

Um.... So.... Do we get to have sex?

There's a good Christian boy.

I Still Check the Bed for You

When I come home from work, before I even put my bag down or take my coat off, I walk over to the bedroom and check to see if you're there.

                   Why do you think you do that?

                          Grief and relief.

                               Oh?

                        I'm still grieving that you're not there.

                      And I'm so relieved that you're not there.

                          Did you take your shoes off at the door?